لو فيليكس لبناني – بقلم رشا الحلبي

 كعادتهم, يتسارع اللبنانييون لإطلاق النكات على كلّ “شاردة و واردة” و هو أمر اعتدنا عليه, فهذه الأمور بتنا نعرف بها

.و لعلّ انطلاق المغامر النمساوي فيليكس الى الفضاء للقفز بالمظلة من ارتفاع نحو 37 كيلومترا كان له حصّته من النكات المتداولة على موقع تويتر, حيث تساءل المغرّدون عمّا كان ليحصل, لو فيليكس لبنانيّ

#لو_فيليكس_لبناني كانت كل المحطات استضافته وضيعتلوا المود // كان كتب عالكبسولة “سارحة والرب راعيها” أو “ميلي ع ميالك أبو ليكس خيالك” أو “محروسة يا عروسة” أو “عين الحسود تبلى بالعمى”   // كان اخد معو حماتو بركي مات فوق بتكون ضربة عصفورين بحجر // كان صوتو حلو وبيو شجعو // كان اخد معو بارودة صيد و 5 علب خرطوش // كان كسر الرقم بالواسطة ، أكيد في حدا بيقدر يخلصلو ايها // كان تسابقت الأحزاب على تبنيه // كان عم بي قول باي لامو // كان أصرّ أنو يقفز بلا ما يلبس الكاسك على راسو// كان طلع بكلام الناس وحديث البلد وللنشر ومع رابعة // كان عم يحكي سبع لغات وما حدا عم يترجم  // كان معو ايفون٦ //  كان طلع بدقيقة ونزل بثانية  // كان عم بي دخن سيغار // كان بعت ورا الجناح العسكري تبع عيلتو ليستقبلو // كان لابس signé // كان جايب صاحبتو معو // كان نزل بلا مظلة //  كان مزين المنطاد بأعلام الاحزاب //  كان سرق المنطاد وهرب في // كان طار بطائرة بدون طيار // كان طلع مع الارجيلة //  كان عم ياكل سندويشة مع وبيبسي //  كان اخد معو صحن حمص وجاط تبولة //  كان صور حالو duck face من الفضاء // كان عم يكتب عتويتر كل لحظة // كان تأخر عل منطاد شي ٣ ساعات ، لأن ببساطة اللبناني ما في يوصل عل وقت  // كان اهدى القفزة لسعد الحريري او لنصرالله حسب ميولو السياسية // كان قعد ساعة يتزانخ بنط لا ما بنط // كان عِـمِـل “check-in” بالسما // كان عم يطالب بجنسية // كان انتحر دغري من فوق // كان هلق حاطيط ارجيلة و عم بينفخ على هل منظر الرائع من فوق // كان مبيض سنانو مشان الصورة // كانوا خطفوا وطالبوا بفدية // كان قلّن صوروني بلا ما اعرف // كان ترشح بالانتخابات النيابية المقبلة ! // كان حط gel عشعرو قبل ما يطلع //  كانت ريحة الپارفان واصلة للارض // كان غنى i believe i can fly //

#لو_فيليكس_لبناني …  شو كنا انجلقنا ….اكتر ما نحنا مجلوقين !!

#لو_فيليكس_لبناني … منيح اللي مش لبناني … !

– Racha El Halabi –

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Wanna kill yourself? Imagine this! – Racha El Halabi

Wanna kill yourself? Imagine this. You come home from school one day. You’ve had yet another horrible day. You’re just ready to give up. So you go to your room, close the door, and take out that suicide note you’ve written and rewritten over and over and over You take out those razor blades, and cut for the very last time. You grab that bottle of pills and take them all. Laying down, holding the letter to your chest, you close your eyes for the very last time. A few hours later, your little brother knocks on your door to come tell you dinners ready. You don’t answer, so he walks in. All he sees is you laying on your bed, so he thinks you’re asleep. He tells your mom this. Your mom goes to your room to wake you up. She notices something is odd. She grabs the paper in your hand and reads it. Sobbing, she tries to wake you up. She’s screaming your name. Your brother, so confused, runs to go tell Dad that “Mommy is crying and sissy won’t wake up.” Your dad runs to your room. He looks at your mom, crying, holding the letter to her chest, sitting next to your lifeless body. It hits him, what’s going on, and he screams. He screams and throws something at the wall. And then, falling to his knees, he starts to cry. Your mom crawls over to him, and they sit there, holding each other, crying. The next day at school, there’s an announcement. The principal tells everyone about your suicide. It takes a few seconds for it to sink in, and once it does, everyone goes silent. Everyone blames themselves. Your teachers think they were too hard on you. Those mean popular girls, they think of all the things they’ve said to you. That boy that used to tease you and call you names, he can’t help but hate himself for never telling you how beautiful you really are. Your ex boyfriend, the one that you told everything to, that broke up with you.. He can’t handle it. He breaks down and starts crying, and runs out of the school. Your friends? They’re sobbing too, wondering how they could never see that anything was wrong, wishing they could have helped you before it was too late. And your best friend? She’s in shock. She can’t believe it. She knew what you were going through, but she never thought it would get that bad… Bad enough for you to end it. She can’t cry, she can’t feel anything. She stands up, walks out of the classroom, and just sinks to the floor. Shaking, screaming, but no tears coming out. It’s a few days later, at your funeral. The whole town came. Everyone knew you, that girl with the bright smile and bubbly personality. The one that was always there for them, the shoulder to cry on. Lots of people talk about all the good memories they had with you, there were a lot. Everyone’s crying, your little brother still doesn’t know you killed yourself, he’s too young. Your parents just said you died. It hurts him, a lot. You were his big sister, you were supposed to always be there for him. Your best friend, she stays strong through the entire service, but as soon as they start lowering your casket into the ground, she just loses it. She cries and cries and doesn’t stop for days. It’s two years later. The whole school talks to a counselor/therapist at least once a week. Your teachers all quit their job. Those mean girls have eating disorders now. That boy that used to tease you cuts himself. Your ex boyfriend doesn’t know how to love anymore and just sleeps around with girls. Your friends all go into depression. Your best friend? She tried to kill herself. She didn’t succeed like you did, but she tried…your brother? He finally found out the truth about your death. He self harms, he cries at night, he does exactly what you did for years leading up to your suicide. Your parents? Their marriage fell apart. Your dad became a workaholic to distract himself from your death. Your mom got diagnosed with depression and just lays in bed all day. People care. You may not think so, but they do. Your choices don’t just effect you. They effect everyone. Don’t end your life, you have so much to live for. Things can’t get better if you give up. I’m here for absolutely anyone that needs to talk, no matter who you are. Even if we’ve NEVER talked before, I’m here for you.